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Name: limeginger
E-Mail:
Subject: Human Riff -- mea culpa!
Date: Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Time: 11:18:40 PM
Remote Address: 67.244.243.74
Message ID: 245396
Parent ID: 245386
Thread ID: 245336
Human Riff,
Golly, I'm a little oversensitized right now, aren't I?
I'd never heard that expression about pulling the oars in someone's boat. I thought it meant Person 1 doing a favor for Person 2, while Person 2 sat on his/her ass and didn't thank or appreciate Person 1!
I thought you were lecturing me for feeling sorry for myself (which I could actually understand but not ready to hear atm), and then on top of that saying that you'd done me 5 favors and I'd never thank you. Oh, that's pretty funny, actually!
So sorry for the misunderstanding. And I did get misty when I read that I'm someone you'd want to meet. Even if there's a long list of others. I'd like to meet a lot of you guys too.
So this is the first time I have this strange feeling. I'm sorry you've experienced something (much much worse, clearly) 5 times over. That's cruddy.
I do realize that I have to reflect on what this means -- because usually I have so much going on I don't have time to be resentful of other people, and certainly not their accomplishments. But this is the 2nd time in a month that I've felt something akin to resentment or jealousy (the other was a bitter hipster female friend who always badmouthed my boyfriends, and then this year met a guy, fell in love, and they're in Paris now, and she's ecstatic -- and I felt like it wasn't quite fair). So why would I be, at this late age, becoming jealous of other people?
And I am getting the sense that I need to step up my own game. That in some way I may feel like I am being left behind. And that is *very* unfamiliar for me. Something has changed. And it's not the other people. It's something with me. If a former boyfriend hellbent to be a massively successful writer (even it was kinda misguided to think that external acknowledgment from large numers of strangers would represent some kind of fundamental existential vindication) becomes massively successful (yesterday I read that he received the largest advance sum for his trilogy ever granted y his publishing company a first-time novelist), so be it. If a bitter hipster who dhit-talked and slept with everyone else's boyfriends actually fall in love for the first time in her life at 40, good for her. I've been in love many times -- and it's faulous, so good for her -- glad she's a happier person.
But for me not to feel that way....I don't have giant crashing success (I do have success but tend to promote others or to give credit away) and I don't have even a boyfriend, let alone one who'll arrange a trip to Paris. So, it's time to do something about it. If I want to create great work and be recognized I have to do it (I've done it in the past). If I want to be with someone i probably need to move out of a city/state where there are so few people that in the 3 yrs I've been here I've had one 6-month relationship and only 1 other date in 3 years!
But resenting other people for doing well or being happy...since yesterday I realize I've been coasting the past 2 years, and I either gotta be happy with that or get back into the game and start creating and doing and connecting in ways I have for most of my life -- and also to bring some things to fruition that I can -- maybe instead of take on another project of someone who needs support?
Thanks for letting me babble and ramble and blab!
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